HOW THE APPLE SOLVED CHRISTMAS!/Transcript

JUSTIN: Golly polliolli! Christmas must be really tough this year. I sure wish I had a real Christmas expert to help!

[Justin takes a bite of the apple in his hand.]

APPLE: Hey!

JUSTIN: Holy my kumquat, do my ears deceive me?

APPLE: They do not deceive you, whatever that means. You've got Apple!

JUSTIN: The festive fruit from Inanimate Insanity, my second favorite contestant? Oh joy! Huh, are you going to help me finish my gift list this year for the big red man in the sky? He checks it twice, you know - gotta be presentable.

APPLE: No way, Jose! Forget that, Bozo. None of that kid stuff anymore! Out with that, get rid of it! [Justin eats his list.] Christmas magic doesn't come from presents, it comes from being good!

JUSTIN: Are you trying to tell me that this, uh, Christmas spirit is not just pizzazz, but instead something inside me all along?

APPLE: Bingo was his name-o! The true meaning of Christmas was inside you all along... because it's me! I am Christmas!

JUSTIN: And I ate you!

APPLE: I'm delicious! Now, reach inside yourself and find that Christmas cheer. Go, human boy, go!

[Justin does as Apple requested. The Inanimate Answers title card plays. Apple and Justin appear in the Inanimate Answers Interview plane, but it has been decked out for Christmas.]

JUSTIN: This is so wintery, woo! I blend into the set and everything!

APPLE: Like a ghost!

JUSTIN: I was a ghost!

APPLE: Whoa! Ghosts are usually my friends, and this year it's my job to make sure all my friends get to feel the warm holiday spirit, all by myself!

JUSTIN: By yourself? Uh, Apple, word around town is that there's this guy around town named Santa who's very-

APPLE: Ask me a question, please!

JUSTIN: Of course! Ame from Patreon asks, 'Dear Object Advisor, I really want to tell one of my friends that I think they're really awesome, but I don't know how to tell her without getting nervous! What should I do?'

APPLE: It can be very scary when you don't know how they'll feel about your feelings... telling. So, start with the small things, but also, if you wanna go big and tell them they're awesome, get in close...

JUSTIN: O-oh, of course. Cin(?).

APPLE: ...Show them this clip! Hey, you! You're really good at making the sun shine bright, but not too bright, because everything about you is juuuust right. Have a happy day you amazing best friendy-evver, ahhhh!

JUSTIN: Whoa. Applesolutely stunning! Did you prepare that?

APPLE: Maaaaaybe I saw your paper after I knocked you out to bring you here, doyyy!

JUSTIN: Terrifying imagery... I love it!

APPLE: Aw, Merry Christmas!

JUSTIN: D'awww, you. Question 2.0, Question Beluga Whale, comes from Lezbianpinatas, from Patreon. They ask, 'Dear Object Advisor, what is the real meaning behind Christmas?'

APPLE: Save that one for later; I'm going to have a very smart answer.

JUSTIN: I appreciate you attempting to delay the inevitable. Midnight from Patreon asks, 'Dear Object Advisor, If you're Apple, why are you a queen?'

APPLE: Oh, I know this one! Bow taught me to say "Queen, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS."

JUSTIN: Well, I'm glad that we're keeping this timeless and universal, the instant Christmas classic that this is.

APPLE: Eh, but for real, like a real queen, I've been making sure to do everything I can to make my purgatory family happy for Christmas, with their favorite board games and albums! While pushing for the ones I like far away, my subjects must. Stay. Well-fed!

JUSTIN: Now that's a tastier privilege. Gracedear(?) from Patreon asks, 'I sometimes feel too clingy around my friends and I may be annoying them, what should I do?'

APPLE: OOh, me me me me me, THAT WAS ME! Ahem. In my kiddish days, I would cling to my sweetest friend Marshmallow, to make sure I wouldn't be left alone forever. I was the one starting all the games we'd play, and I never asked what she wanted. You can ask people if they need some time to do their own thing. Watch! Hey YOU!

JUSTIN: Who, little ol' me?

APPLE: Yeah, you, PUNK. Do you want some heckin' space?!

JUSTIN: I-I think I'm pretty OK. Thank you.

APPLE: No more clinging - success!

JUSTIN: Kirbo8nMiss(?) from YouTube would like to know, 'Dear Object Advisor, I'm making an object show, that isn't the hard part. How do I show it to my family? I'm pretty insecure about that.'

APPLE: I'm sure your family would love to see your creative side. Maybe you can work on it in front of them first, so they can see how much you care about it first.

JUSTIN: OH, that's so nice! A perfect bonding activity for the holiday season! Let us know how it goes.

APPLE: What was this about again?

JUSTIN: Telling your family about your object show.

APPLE: I don't know what those two nouns mean.

JUSTIN: But you do know that they're nouns.

APPLE: Marsh taught me while writing my novel, with varbjectives!

JUSTIN: Speaking of things that sound like exotic dairy, SkaterCheese from Patreon would like to know, 'Dear Object Advisor, I messed up really badly, and hurt a close friend of mine's feelings. How do I make it up to them?! I feel so bad!!'

APPLE: Well, this is an easy one. (visible discomfort) Haa, um, err, well... You be like me! Since even though you're bad when you're younger, you can be older now and apologize a lot, and be WAY gooder and not bad anymore, and um, uh, NEXT QUESTION! Do the, do the one about the meaning of Christmas!

JUSTIN: Sure, this seems like a perfectly acceptable transition point. Lezbianpinatas from Patreon-

APPLE: Lezbianpinatas from Patreon asks, 'WHAT IS THE REAL MEANING OF CHRISTMAS?' Well, Dr. Piñata, Christmas is all about being good to those in your life, about making sure your friends are treated REALLY, REALLY GOOD! Not because you want things for yourself, or to, uhh, have fun, but because you're supposed to be good! And that's how it works. You have to stop being bad and making mistakes and KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, and- mature Christmas message, enjoy. Happy Holidays, everyone!

JUSTIN: ...I need an adult. Actually, I found just the one earlier today, just a mo- DAAAAAD!

SANTA: Ho ho hoooo, it's me, Santa. Oh ho, how are you doing, Apple?

APPLE: ...Oh, it's you.

SANTA: You can't give me any more cold shoulder than I already have... after all, I am from the North Pole! Ho ho ho ho!

APPLE: Stop talking to me like a kid.

SANTA: Where's this attitude coming from, Apple? My, you've been so good all year, treating your friends wonderfully.

APPLE: Yeah, but when I think about the old Christmases, I still get... sad. I was so bad that I couldn't get a present?

SANTA: You did burn a friend, and not just emotionally. Presents are for the good kids.

APPLE: It's all I think about. I became a big, smart adult who follows the Christmas movie rules, ALL of them! I've learned how to be a good friend and spread Christmas joy through thoughtfully-ness, and other big words! All I had to do was stop being selfish and asking someone else to give me what I wanted, like I would with you every year! And now I'm finally good, right?! I'M GOOD?!

SANTA: Ohh, Apple. I stroke my beard in thought. I should have forseen with my interpathdimensional fifth eye that my lesson teaching would do more harm than good. Apple, you do not need to choose. You can still be nice to others, and make Christmas fun for yourself.

APPLE: You can- Whaaa?

SANTA: I'm sorry, Apple; I wasn't clear. I tend to be ambiguous; it comes with the mythical territory. Sometimes adults make mistakes, too.

APPLE: I'm... I'm sorry, Santa! I wuv you, waaah! (sobs)

SANTA: It's OK, Apple, it's OK. You're good. You and all the other kids out there are more good than you know.

APPLE: (sniffles) You should get going now. There's lots of kids who need gifts.

SANTA: Heeeeey, now, what did we talk about? Christmas can be fun for you, too. Let me just move this little bag I have over here, ho! I traveled alllll the way to this weird, less canon universe to give this to you. Wouldn't you like to see it?

APPLE: I don't know, I think I have a lot of thinking to do about myse- IT'S A PONY!!!!

SANTA: (holds up the pony while Apple vibrates with excitement) Ho ho ho ho ho, I ho-ho-hope this pony will remind you just how valuable it is to care for yourself just as much as those around you.

APPLE: Her name is DinoBrawler Extreme and she is so pretty! Marsh, Bow, Bow's Brother, look, WAAH!

SANTA: Once again, my lesson is lost on the young at heart. Ho ho ho. Anything you want to add, Justin?

JUSTIN: And, in the end, it turns out that maybe the real meaning of Christmas is the childish wonder it can bring us all back to. Be silly, be jolly, and Merry Christmas to all.

APPLE and SANTA: And to all a good night!

JUSTIN: Oh, and other holidays, I like those too!

APPLE: ADAMATION!