Cooking for the Grater Good/Transcript

(Scene: Sunny day, Knife feeding grapes to Trophy)

Trophy: Mmm. Lovin' these grapes, Knife. Say, Knife, how do you say "grapes" in español?

Knife: Oh, shut up.

Trophy: I don't think that's how it's pronounced. And I'm getting too hot; turn up the ventilation, will ya?

Knife: (whips out Fan and starts fanning Trophy)

Fan: Put me down, please?

Knife: Ugh, fine! (tosses Fan in the air)

Trophy: Up-bup-bup-bup-bup. No. Keep fanning.

Knife: (catches Fan and begins to fan again)

Fan: I'm getting dizzy...

Knife: (drops Fan) No.

Fan: (gasp) What a suspenseful twist! (grabs popcorn and starts eating it)

Trophy: Excuse me?

Knife: I. Said. No! Show everyone the stupid picture! I don't even care.

Fan: What picture?

Trophy: (whips up picture) Oh, you'll see.

Knife: Wait!

Trophy: Ha! I knew you were chicken.

Knife: No, I just wanted to say that you have grape juice on your chin.

Trophy: Oh. (brushes away juice) Thanks. Now... (walks towards other members, and whistles) Hey, losers! Get over here.

Baseball: Can you please get over your giant ego for a second and not address us that way?

Trophy: My ego isn't as giant as you, fatty.

Baseball: I'M NOT..-

Trophy: Anyway, I want you all to discover that the Knife you all know and love-

Nickel: Love?

Trophy: -isn't what he seems. Warning: You may die of laughter. If you can't resist the urge to laugh, you may wanna leave.

Cheesy: Darn! See ya, guys. (walks away)

Trophy: Alright, here it goes... (takes out the picture) Knife is a girly, doll obsessed freak!

(The Grand Slams except for Baseball, Box and Apple laugh)

Knife: (sigh)

Baseball: Honestly, I don't care.

Trophy: Are you serious? You actually support this?

Baseball: Don't you remember Idiotic Island? That big cage we were locked up in last season when we were all voted off?

Trophy: What does that have to do with anything?!

Baseball: He had it in Idiotic Island. It was his hobby. Something to do. I had a book, Nickel had his rubber ball, everyone had something to keep them busy in there. Well, uh, except Paper, but he went crazy and tried to kill everyone. Is that what you want? Do you want Knife to go rabid and kill us all?!

Lightbulb: I didn't need anything on Idiotic Island, and I turned out just grand. (makes a weird face)

Apple: Yeah, Baseball has a fair point. I've stopped caring.

Fan: I wouldn't judge a fellow fan.

Lightbulb: Let's blow this popsicle stand. (starts to walk off)

Trophy: Hey! Stop walking! This is some serious loserdom we have here!

Knife: Well, well, well. Look what we got here. Guess you feel like a real loser right now, of course. I know I sure would. Just remember: You're a jock, and I'M a JERK. You never had a chance against me from the start.

Trophy: Oh, go jump off a bridge. (walks off)

(intro plays)

MePhone4: Hey, guys! One of you is leaving the competition in today's elimination.

Balloon: Oh! I can't wait to hear the Elimination Time theme again!

MePhone4: Uh, no, we're not doing that anymore.

Balloon: What? Why?

MePhone4: Because it sucks! So, this is your first elimination, so let me quickly explain the rules.

Nickel: How about you quickly not?

MePhone4: Whoever doesn't receive today's prize, which happens to be a poison ivy burger...

Suitcase: Why would I ever eat that?

MePhone4: I think the question is, why WOULDN'T you eat that?

MePad: Well, because poison ivy results in redness, itching, swelling...

Test Tube: Blisters! Don't forget the blisters! Heh, heh...

MePhone4: Nobody asked either of you nerds. Now, moving on, Suitcase and Knife are safe. (throws burgers to both, who catch them)

Suitcase: Wow, Knife! Congratulations!

Knife: Wow, thanks!

MePhone4: So are Baseball, Nickel, and Balloon. (throws burgers)

Baseball: Ahh! No, we're not safe; you just threw poison ivy at us!

Balloon: Oh, it itches! (scratches, then pops)

MePhone4: Cheesy, Soap, Microphone, you are all really annoying, but nonetheless get to live another episode.

Soap: Yay! (dodges burger)

Microphone: Yeah!

Cheesy: Whoah, Microphone! Quit with the tone! (dodges burger)

MePhone4: Now it's down to Box and Trophy

Trophy: Why in the world would the viewers vote me off?

MePad: Oh, the great mysteries of life...

MePhone4: MePad, show the votes.

MePad: (shows votes, which turn out to be Trophy: 1,945, Box: 739)

Trophy: What?! You can't be serious!

Cheesy: A trophy that lost? Oh, the irony!

Trophy: I lost to a cardboard box?! He's not even alive! (stomps on Box)

Suitcase: You monster! You're just jealous cause he's still in the game!

Trophy: Shut up!!

Suitcase: Okay...

Knife: All right, dude, that's it! No more Mr. Knife guy!

Trophy: Go ahead! Bring it on! I've been waiting for this all-

(Knife kicks Trophy into the Rejection Portal)

Trophy: NOOOOOOooooooo......

(Screen fades)

MePhone4: So, anyway, today I decided not to have a challenge, and celebrate with a pizza party!

Contestants: Yes!

Pizza Cutter: Bon appétit. (slips on mud puddle, dropping pizza) Oh, sacrebleu! Uh, I mean, uh, ay dios mio!

Knife: Um, that's Spanish.

MePhone4: Hey, I thought you said you were an Italian cook.

Pizza Cutter: Uh, well, you see... (runs off)

MePhone4: Okay, well, that's not happening.

Balloon: Oh, come on!

MePhone: So now I guess your challenge today is to make a pizza! Each team gets a small kitchen and an Ingredient Dispenser. Just say the type of ingredient you want, and it'll make it for you. The possibilites are endless!

Lightbulb: Wait, anything? (steps up to dispenser) I wAnT dE pIzZa, NoWwW.

(Silence)

Lightbulb: Hup, looks like you’re a liar.

MePhone4: I said ingredients.

Lightbulb: Ingredients? So, pepper and hot fudge?

Soap: Can we have a proper cookbook, please?

MePhone4: Yeah, and would you like a five-star chef to go with that?

Soap: Yeah, that sounds wonderful!

MePhone4: Well, you can't.

Soap: (gasp) You!

MePhone4: Anyway, you have half an hour to finish, so get to it. Chop-chop!

Soap: Okay, team, let's get started on this pizza. Since I'm the only one trained with proper etiquette here, I elect myself for being the leader of this challenge. Any objections?

Baseball: Fine by me!

Nickel: Where do we start, neat freak?

Soap: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Nickel: Well, you responded to me, so you clearly did!

Soap: Anyway, Suitcase, Knife, Nickel, and Box, we need water, flour, sugar, salt, and yeast. Go.

Suitcase: Sure thing!

Nickel: On it! (all except Box zoom off)

Soap: But first... (group zoom back) ...wash your hands.

Suitcase: Um, okay. (zooms off again)

Balloon: What would you like me to do?

Soap: Oh, right, we trust you now.

Suitcase: (jumps back) Here, Balloon. You can help me get the flower!

Balloon: Oh... okay.

Soap: Now, we need the cheese.

Cheesy: Wow! That was a cheesy thing to say! Ha ha! Get it? Because it's cheese?

Nickel: Wow, I think you get less funny every episode.

Microphone: I got this grater. Now where do we get the cheese?

Soap: You're looking at it! (motions to Cheesy)

Cheesy: (realizes) Heh, heh, come on guys! That's not a grate idea! Heh heh, get it?

Microphone: (facepalm)

Soap: Get. Him.

(Microphone and Baseball lunge at Cheesy with grater, but Cheesy jumps and gets caught by Soap, who walks over and starts grating him)

Cheesy: Ow! Come on guys, that's de"grate"ing! (slaps knee) Can't you just let me hold on to a shred of dignity? (slaps knee)

Baseball: Hey, make sure to shred the part where his mouth is.

Cheesy: This is nacho best idea, Soap! (tries to slap knee, but legs have been grated off, so slaps air) Hey, where's my knee? WHERE'S MY KNEE?

Lightbulb: Hey, team! I came up with, like, the most supery, poopery, doopery... idea of all time! We're gonna make a cookie pizza!

Paintbrush: Thats. The dumbest idea. I've ever heard!

Lightbulb: Like, a pizza, but the dough's cookie dough, and the cheese is shredded chocolate! And, who's ever heard of a candy pizza with out an egg for protien! (holds up Fan's egg)

Fan: (takes egg back) Hey! There's something LIVING inside there! Are you out of your mind?!

Paintbrush: Lightbulb, this isn't even a pizza, it's just a terrible idea.

Lightbulb: Well, that's a little rude. You're pretty judgemental. Just because Test Tube is a test tube, you think she's good at science? Which she is, but that's besides the matter. And I'm a light bulb, and I have bright ideas, but still.

Paintbrush: Lightbulb, I don't see where you're going with this.

Lightbulb: And what about you. You're a paint brush, and girl, I ain't see you paint nothin'!

Paintbrush: (gasp) YOU TAKE THAT BACK! You NEVER make sense! Every challenge we lose is because of your horrible leadership!

Lightbulb, Uh, no, we won the last one.

Paintbrush: Yeah, the only one which you sat out for! This team could use some "colorful" improvement. I say I'M the new captain!

Rest: Yay! (hug Paintbrush)

Paintbrush: Ya hear that, Lightbulb? You've been replaced. Now go to the Calm Down Corner.

Lightbulb: You probably shouldn't kick me of the team. It's named after me.

Paintbrush: Well, I just did! Buh-bye!

Lightbulb: (walks off) Well, there's no harm in making it anyway. This cookie pizza's gonna knock their socks off! (stops walking) You know, hopefully they're wearing socks, or something could go horribly wrong... (gasps, then keeps walking)

Paintbrush: Okay, guys! Remember, half a cup of cheese, not to little, not too much. We need to make it perfect!

Fan: What toppings should we use?

Paintbrush: No, no, no toppings, we don't want to risk it. Just make it perfectly plain.

Suitcase: (in a flower field) Hmm, I'm not sure why they want flowers, but... (picks flowers)

Balloon: Wait! (walks over) We're doing this wrong!

Suitcase: What do you mean?

Balloon: Soap wanted flower, right? You have flowERS!

Suitcase: Oh, you're right! (drops all flowers but one) Whew! That could have been disastrous!

Yin-Yang: (Yang) Hey, Yin. (Yin) What is it? (Yang) See that pizza over there? (Yin) Yes. We're serving it to the judges. (Yang) Oh, no we won't! Ha ha, because I'm gonna eat it! (Yin) Ha! Oh, no you're not. (Yang) Oh, yes I am! (Yin) Oh, no you're NOT! (Yang) Watch me! (Yang swallows pizza in one gulp) Ewww! Echh, garbage! (Yin) We never even cooked it!

Paintbrush: Okay, guys, I think we have all the... (turns around, gasps) What have you done?!

Yin-Yang: (Yang) Yin ate the entire pizza! (Yin) No, you!

Paintbrush: BOTH of you! Go to the Calm-Down Corner!

Yin-Yang: No, you!

Paintbrush: No, YOU!! (picks up Yin-Yang, then throws him, knocking over the Corner

Lightbulb: Hey there, brush-fulla-paint, how's that pizzer going? (gasp) Oh, oh lord, oh, it's gone! What now, I don't know...

Paintbrush: Whatever! It's not like you did anything to help us!

Lightbulb: (pulls out cookie pizza) That I did, my friend. (team marvels at cookie pizza)

Paintbrush: Well, that's not even a pizza! It's just a giant cookie! We're still doomed.

Soap: We're doing good, guys! Now, Box, where's the sugar I asked for?

Box: ...

Soap: Box, where's the sugar?

Box: ...

Soap: Where's the SUGAR?!

Box: ...

Soap: If you don't quit with that attitude of yours RIGHT now, mister...

Nickel: Not like we'll need it anyway. We're running out of time.

Microphone: Our pizza doesn't look very appetizing...

Soap: Don't worry, I'll add my secret ingredient! (sprays disinfectant on pizza, then wipes it)

Nickel: (stutters) ...Really?

MePhone4: Time's up, everyone. Now, to introduce our guest judges, Window, Gamey, and Puffball's Speaker Box.

Window: It's great to be here!

Gamey: Yeah, I can't wait to taste the pizza!

PSB: I'm STARVING! Where's the pizza?

MePhone4: So, the four of us will give a score out of 10 for a total of 40 points. Grand Slams, let's see your pizza.

Soap: Here you go! (tosses pizza onto table)

Window: (bites pizza, vomits) That's terrible!

Gamey: There's a daffodil in my slice.

Soap: What? Why is there a flower in the pizza?!

Suitcase: You told me to get a flower!

Soap: COOKING flour!

PSB: Well, it's not too bad. (eats pizza)

Gamey: Plus, I taste disinfectant.

Soap: (notices Slams staring at her) What? At least we know they won't get any diseases by eating it.

Test Tube: Yeah, pizza can harbor dangerous bacteria such as E.coli, staphylococcus...

Knife: Hey, Test Tube?

Test Tube: Yeah?

Knife: Shut up.

Test Tube: Awww...

MePhone4: Well, I'm gonna not be a fat slob for once, and just not eat the pizza, so I give it a 0.

Window: It was pretty terrible. I'll give it a 2. Suitcase ruins everything, I despise her!

Gamey: Well, I feel Suitcase made a forgivable mistake, so I give it a 5, because a 5 seems generous enough.

PSB: Flowers are beautiful! I give a 10!

MePhone4: You guys, got a 17 out of 40, which is really pathetic. Bright Lights, where's your pizza?

Lightbulb: Here's my pizza. (tosses it to judges) Don't eat too much, though, it'll make you puffy! That one's for you, Puffball! Chk-chk! Am I the pizza maker, or what?

PSB: (eats cookie pizza) Definitely. I give it a 19!

Window: This is fantastic! 10!

Gamey: I've never tasted such a wonderful meal in my life! I love the shredded chocolate!

Lightbulb: (nudges Paintbrush) Eh? Eh?

Gamey: Absolute 10!

MePhone4: My fat slob self enjoyed every last bite. I'll give it a 10, for a total score of 49 out of 40. Bright Lights wins again!

Baseball: That's so unfair! That's over the total!

PSB: Doesn't matter. That pizza was so amazing, I want to eat it a second time! (regurgitates pizza, swallows again)

Baseball: What even ARE you?!

Cheesy: Water you guys thinking? Get it? Cause I'm gonna pour water on you! (pours water on judges, MePhone4, Gamey, and PSB electrically spaz)

Window: Ha ha! I'm not electric! (hammer hits him) Ow!

MePhone4: Everyone, escape while you can!

PSB: Nobody likes Inanimate Insanity anyway. (zooms off)

MePhone4: So, the Grand Slams are up for their second elimination. Go to inanimateinsanity.com and click on the vote button for the contestant you, uhh... wanna vote for.

(credits roll)

Window: So, you guys wanna carpool?

Gamey: Sure, I'm game.

PSB: I call shotgun!

Previous Transcript

Following Transcript

Cut Lines
This line was cut from the original episode.

Trophy: It should have been Knife! We don't need a girly-doll obsessed freak on this team.