Mine Your Own Business/Transcript

(Episode opens)

Fan: Last Time on Inanimate Insanity! Hang on...

(Fan tries to put on a headband, but fails)

Fan: WHAT THE HE--

(the camera cuts Fan off)

Fan: (coughs) We were suddenly, (picks paper) down to the final 8! Oh, (rips paper)

Fan: While Test Tube and Lightbulb went on their B-plot, Paintbrush tried to paint with a separate brush for some reason, and got a zero! Whoa! Truly anything can happen! Hahahah. And that's what you missed on Inanimate In- (video cuts off)

(While Fan is saying this, Test Tube and Lightbulb are in a cave. Test Tube touches a gem and the camera zooms into her eye. The Meeple logo then appears.)

(Steve Cobs walks up)

Steve Cobs: Hello. Your name is MePhone4, and I am Steve. Steve Cobs. Now that you're fully functional-

MePhone4: I put the "uncitional" in functional!

(MePhone4's face glitches to a smile, and he points at Steve with gun fingers)

Steve Cobs: It's "the fun". "The fun in func-" well, we can work the humor, buddy!

Steve hits MePhone4.

MePhone4: Ow!

Steve Cobs: Now, you may feel nervous about your assigned tasks here. But that's a byproduct of your highly advanced emotion emulator and-

MePhone4: Hey...got any snacks?

Steve Cobs: MePhone4, you are my most current and state of the art creation... that doesn't need food!

MePhone4 grumbles.

Steve Cobs: Rest assured, I, Steve Cobs, have the means to protect you.

Steve puts a screen protector on MePhone, and the intro plays.

Toilet: Maybe Master Adam can help!

MePad: Who?

Lightbulb: Test Tube! How many fingers am I holding up? How many- Wait, what, where- who the- who did this?

(Lightbulb sees MePad and Toilet and runs to them)

Lightbulb: Yo, co-hosts! Test Tube found this jewel in the cave, and now she keeps talking about-

Test Tube: Corn!! CORN!!

Lightbulb: ..I love sparkly gems as much as the next guy or girl, or neither, so yeah, I guess I can't complain.

MePad: Gems? Just a moment.

MePad teleports away

Toilet: Ooh, you know, I can teleport too! Watch!

Toilet jumps and hits the cave wall.

Toilet: Did- did I do it?

Lightbulb: You don't wanna teleport, Toilet. You'll just end up forgetting where you wanna be.

MePad teleports back.

MePad: Congratulations, Test Tube. Immunity granted.

(A green screen with Test Tube's icon appears that says "Immunity Granted!" with a fanfare appears)

Test Tube: Wha- wha?

Toilet: Sorry, what?

MePad whispers to Toilet.

Toilet: *gasp* Really? YAAAAAAAA-

(MePad and Toilet teleport away. Lightbulb and Test Tube look in shock.)

(Cut to Fan on a laptop, with Knife approaching. Knife then closes the laptop and points at the sun.)

Fan: Ah, so you think I'm not paying attention? Well, well look what just happened earlier today!

(Video dramatically zooms in with such force on Fan's egg, which now has a crack)

Fan: Yeah, yeah. Did you notice that?

Knife: What? Did you drop it?

Fan: No! It- it shows the world's changing and- and we should embrace that and-

Baseball: We all get dropped sooner or later.

Fan: Reeeeal jeeb-wheezer, this one.

(Baseball slams the computer on Fan's hand)

Fan: AH!!!

Lightbulb and Test Tube walk toward a loud drum sound. Suitcase follows.

Toilet: (while playing a drum) Don't be alarmed, today's a bright, sunny day!

Taco: Remember, we get Knife in our favor by catching his attention.

Microphone: Sorry. It's hard to hear... over... it...

Toilet: [screaming into Mic] HAAAAAAAAAA-

MePad: The challenge today is cave mining.

Toilet: Over in that pretty cave over there, ooh so pretty!

Lightbulb appears in a pirate outfit.

Lightbulb: Gar, of course! This is like the knitting challenge all over again.

MePad: You will each explore interconnecting tunnels and work to find gems identical to this one. Upon touch activation, you'll be granted instant immunity, like Test Tube! The single contestant gemless will automatically be eliminated.

Fan: Y'know, Toilet, MePad, doin' a great job, but, you guys, you're really getting into the pattern of BREAKING THE PATTERN WHERE'S MEPHONE WHERE DID YOU PUT HIM WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Toilet: You all probably have lots of questions, but guess what we have? Perfect contestant attendance! YAY!

MePad: Correct. Digital gold stars for everyone! (Gold star) No one's loss! (Reversed laugh track plays) -except for the inevitable losers! Disperse!

Toilet: Go on! Git!

Fan: Hi Test Tube, I noticed (looks at Knife) something was up.

Test Tube: I... saw something! A-a vision! It- it felt so real.

Suitcase: Sorry, you've seen them, too?

Test Tube: *gasp* The facilities! The screen protectors! Golly gee, I felt like I was there!

Suitcase: Oh, guess not. I don't expect anyone to understand.

Microphone: Talk about emotional baggage.

(Knife walks away)

Fan: Hey, Suitcase, wanna talk about what you're seeing? I'm noticing some funny business going on. Plus, new pairs seem to be forming these days, and that's fine by me!

Suitcase: You know what? Yeah! Why not, right?

(Suitcase and Fan walk into the cave)

Test Tube: He- isn't- nah

Lightbulb digs a red X.

Lightbulb: Ah! Ha-ha! X marks the spot, matey! MePhone's not fooling anyone with his cave mining coverup!

(Knife spray-paints an X in the cave, chuckles, and begins to mine)

Microphone [invisible]: (sneezes) Sorry, 'scuse me.

Taco [invisible]: A sneeze? A SNEEZE? Mic, you blew it! Who says "excuse me" after you sneeze?!

Microphone [invisible]: WHAT?! What am I supposed to say? Bless me, and bless myself? You’re the one who’s always trying to be proper! What’s your problem?

Taco [invisible]: I go through ALL this effort to make us invisible and you ruin it by sneezing and SAYING something?

(Knife then picks up Taco and throws her)

Microphone [invisible]: Ah, don't hurt me!

(Knife presses the button on the tie)

Microphone: I'll cut to the chase. Join us! Yeah!

Knife: Did my "humph" make you seem interested? Don't think so!

Taco: Well, I see your savagery hasn't devolved since our last encounters.

Knife: Taco, it's been FAR too long!

Taco: Get off the moral high horse! You're clearly getting trampled-

Knife: Don't get me started on morality!

(As Knife and Taco argue, Microphone spots a gem)

Microphone: We just wanna HELP!!! (Pushes Knife, whose hand touches the gem)

(Second flashback begins. MePhone is eating cookies on a couch while watching TV.)

Voice on TV: They're really going for it! (the crowd on TV gets crazy)

MePhone4: Oh come on, you're so close!

(Steve walks in)

Steve Cobs: Hm. I don't remember putting this trash on.

MePhone4: It's not trash! It's reality TV! Look! They're really going for it!

Voice on TV: They're really going for it! (the crowd on TV does it again)

Steve Cobs: So, I presume you've finished your tasks and are awaiting new ones?

MePhone4: Uh, of course I did! Calm your husk. (taps couch)

Steve Cobs: Maybe later. I know I have work to do. (sigh)

MePhone4: Well, that guy has got a chip on his shoulder.

(MePhone generates a bag of potato chips and begins eating them)

MePhone4: Trash? Humph!

(Second flashback ends)

Knife: Uh- wha?

(MePad and Toilet appear)

MePad: Congratulations on immunity, Knife! (immunity screen plays) Feel free to take in the sights!

Toilet: If you look that way, you can see this wall! (slams into wall) Oof!

(MePad and Toilet teleport away)

Microphone: So, it's not a bribe...

Taco: Per say...

Microphone: But, you know, if you wanna join us...

Knife: Trash!

Microphone: Huh?

Knife: Trash, trash, trash!

Microphone: Um, rude!

(Cut to a camera recording of Suitcase)

Fan: Where- where are we going, Suitcase? Go on! Narrate!

Suitcase: Hi... v-viewers? D-doe-does anyone watch this?

Fan: It's a work in progress!

Suitcase: O-K, so today, we're going on a big, uh, big ol' adventure to- learn about-

Fan: The true mystery behind our co-hosts being so- so... enigmatic! Where is MePhone?

Suitcase: I think there's a mystery I'm more interested in tackling first! (turns camera) BAM!

Fan: Oh! Why, Suitcase, I already did my intro, this- these aren't really about me and-

Suitcase: Well, they can be!

Fan: E-Egg's always better under pressure than me! (laughs)

(Fan's egg cracks more)

Fan: (gasp)

(Cut to Lightbulb digging, and the ground gives way)

Lightbulb: (screams)

Fan: Oh, what's going on with Egg?

(Lightbulb lands near Fan and Suitcase and touches a gem)

(Third flashback starts)

Steve Cobs: On your set, get ready, tree!

(MePhone generates a glitchy tree)

Steve Cobs: I always did like that blue.

MePhone4: Hey! I'm blue!

Steve Cobs: I'd only give it to the best! By the end of the day, I'm expecting a spaceship!

(Third flashback ends)

Lightbulb: (mumbles gibberish) Why not... 3 orders of... chicken.

(MePad shows Lightbulb her immunity, then leaves with the gem before Lightbulb can eat it)

Lightbulb: Uh-uh-oh!

(Cut to Baseball mining)

Test Tube: Hey! Uh, need a hand? Oh! Oh, g-golly! Sorry! Sorry, golly!

Baseball: (laughs) No worries. I'm just trying to get through this.

Test Tube: Well, h-have you ever tried using a... (reveals his weapon) TRANQUILIZING TRACKING DART BLASTER?

Baseball: Wow! Please don't point that at me!

(Cut to Microphone and Taco)

Microphone: So, wanna dig into what happened in the lab?

Taco: Hm, that's quite a reach.

Microphone: Hmm, like how you reached for that portal?

(Taco mines the gem, gets hit by it and falls)

Microphone: Taco! (hides her behind her back)

(MePad and Toilet teleport to her)

Toilet: You did it! Good job! Love you! 'Kay, bye! (teleports away with MePad)

Microphone: (sighs)

(Cuts to camera recording of Fan)

Fan: (clears throat) So what- so- so what's up with you, Suitcase?

Suitcase: When Test Tube said she saw a vision, I thought maybe- it just seemed so real. Can you relate?

Fan: Real scary. Uh, you know me, I'm always the "show this", the "show that". When I wanna talk about me, I can't. I don't know how to- words!

Suitcase: That's OK! All of the words you wanna say are there! You're allowed to take time to make those words! We wanna hear about you!

(Egg cracks)

Fan: *gasp*

(Cut to Knife resting in a minecart)

Microphone and Taco: WE JUST WANNA HELP!

Knife: Mm.

Taco: Is this you holding a grudge over my true self? For why? Everyone knows who I am now.

Microphone: Do you, though?

Taco: Pardon?

Knife: What are you two- (cut off by minecart about to fall off the track)

(Microphone pulls a lever to change the track and rescue Knife. His minecart smashes on the ground below.)

(Cut to Test Tube, firing her dart blaster)

Test Tube: Ha! It worked! This way!

Baseball: (sighs) You know, with Suitcase, uh, maybe if in the maze I had just mentioned or on the dock if I had just said something, that things could've changed!

Test Tube: None of those would've fixed it.

Baseball: You don't think so?

Test Tube: (sighs) Baseball, recently, I made my one timeline. Yep! And it went haywire! You know, Lightbulb. But, she showed me that the unpredictable can happen in experiments! Things blow up! I learned, and now, I don't repeat those patterns.

(Dart beeps and Baseball uncovers the gem)

(Fourth flashback begins)

Steve Cobs: Hmm... Performance isn't quite optimal, there are definitely some bugs. Plus, I always did like that red.

MePhone4 enters with a small boat.

MePhone4: Mr. Cobs, I did it!

Steve Cobs: DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT! (sighs) Sorry. Listen, you're improving! So let's keep it that way! OK?

(Fourth flashback ends)

Baseball: I'm im-improving...!

(MePad and Toilet appear)

Toilet: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY YOU DID IT!!!

(the final two screen appears with Fan and Suitcase)

Test Tube: Ah!

(Cut back to the minecart)

Taco: Look, I'd like to... apologize to you, Mic. I could stand to be a bit more open.

Microphone: Aww, Taco!

Knife: "Aww"? She tried to KILL ME! "Open"? Say, Mic? Has Taco ever mentioned her FIRST alliance?

Taco: No! Enough!

Knife: Gee, y'know, I wonder what ever happened to ol' Pickle!

Taco: Enough!

Knife: I hear that one day she just dropped him! If you don't watch out, oh, I guess she'll just have to up and DROP YOU, TOO.

Microphone: Look, she's changing! If you're not gonna join us, could you just... not say anything?

Knife: Back when Trophy blackmailed me, he made me feel... ashamed, and I'm not going to do that to you. BUT, this is not an alliance, it's a favor.

(Knife stops the minecart and hops out)

Knife: Now listen up, Fan and Test Tube are analyzing everyone, and you don't want them catching you. Watch yourself.

(Knife leaves)

Taco: Well now, who's left?

(Cut to Fan and Suitcase)

Suitcase: (reading from a phone) Theories and patterns are easy. I didn't want to believe Paintbrush, because they knew the game was more! I'm scared of everything that's happening because it's... more! If I could... stay in a shell...

Fan: (sighs, then gasps)

Test Tube: Wait a minute, Fan?! Have you two just been- sitting around?!

Fan: No we ha-I-we-we-we've been- well, I, we were investigating, via vlogging!

Test Tube: What?! Uh, look. If we follow-

Fan: Oh, so it's WE now? (throws shovel)

Lightbulb: Rubies are also beautiful, oh, I can't even tell you about those.

(Fan's shovel smashes Lightbulb)

Test Tube: (gasps) (sighs) Let's go.

Fan: Bye, Suitcase.

Suitcase: Bye... Fan.

(Suitcase has a vision until Taco appears))

Taco: Hello! Allow me to guide me to your goal.

(Suitcase bumps into Baseball)

Suitcase: Oh! Oh! Hey! I- I gotta find that jewel!

(Suitcase begins to walk away when Baseball interupts her.)

Baseball: Hey. Don't... let me hold you back.

Microphone [invisible] : Over here!

(Test Tube discovers Suitcase reaching for the gem)

Test Tube: (gasps)

(Test Tube fires her dart blaster at Suitcase. It misses and hits Microphone, who then becomes visible again and falls to the ground.)

Test Tube: Who-what?

Taco: (gasps)

(Suitcase touches the gem)

(Fifth flashback begins)

(MePhone4 enters an eerie closet with boxes of junk, a distorted human robot and MePhone3GS sitting with a cracked screen. MePhone4 puts his hand up to MePhone3GS's screen, which comes on.)

MePhone3GS: Belay that, troops! We cannot halt innovation when the future is so near!

???: They just broke through the shell, NO!! This is all we have! NO!! DON--[1]

(audio cuts off)

MePhone3GS: [breathes heavily]

MePhone4: Uh, hi. Uh, a- are you on?

MePhone3GS: Please Cobs, don't.

MePhone4: Wha- what?

MePhone3GS: Please Cobs, don't. Please Cobs, don't. Please Cobs, do-on't. Please Cobs, don't! Please Cobs, DON'T! DON'T DON'T DON'T! DOOOOO-

(MePhone3GS runs out of battery and crashes)

(Fifth flashback ends)

Suitcase: Eh... oh, oh what?

(MePad and Toilet appear)

Toilet: Ooh! Ooh! Six! That's all we need!

MePad: Excellent job, Suitcase!

(Emotional music plays as Suitcase realizes Fan's been eliminated, which Fan is sad about.)

(MePad and Toilet give the gems to MePhone, turning him back on)

MePhone4: Huh? What?

MePad: You had been out for quite some time, sir.

MePhone4: I blocked it all out! Why is it flooding back?

MePad: Your screen prompted us with a... challenge. Not to worry though, we covered it!

MePhone4: Cool. Uh, good job, you two!

Toilet: Yoy! Best team ever! I guess we didn't need Master Adam's help after all!

MePhone4: Adam?

(The sixth flashback plays, showing Steve building a prototype Adam and then abandoning him)

MePhone4: You! Out!

Toilet: W-what, Mis-Mr. Phone!

MePad: Wait, MePhone!

MePhone4: You thought I'd never catch on! Adam hired you, and who hired Adam?

Toilet: I don't- I don't know what- Mr. Phone! I haven't spoken to him in ages!

MePhone4: Who him? Cobs?

Toilet: The corn man? Mr. Phone, the last time you broke-

MePhone4: You DO know. No! No! No-no! ... GET...OUT!

MePad: MePhone, stop! Toilet would never-

MePhone4: NOW!

Toilet: (Turns Away and Walks)

(Cut to Fan)

Fan: But I've always taken care of him!

Test Tube: I've saved IT, I've run tests on IT, and I know what IT needs to survive!

(Fan and Test Tube argue)

MePad: We determined that Fan is eliminated, sir. He too, can leave when ready.

Fan: Test Tube, it's-it's not safer- Oh, MePhone, thank goodness you're here to set things ri-

(MePhone snaps his fingers, and the Rejection Portal appears)

Fan: R-right?

MePhone4: Looks like he's ready.

Fan: Oh, well, I mean- can I just- why- well, we're kinda in the middle of something, I mean, can... OK. Test Tube, to be honest with you, I don't want him to have to hatch, OK? I mean, wouldn't that be great? He could just- stay calm and secure in his little protective shell, and have his patterns, right?

Test Tube: I'm... sorry, Fan.

(MePhone pushes Fan into the Rejection Portal)

MePhone4: Next up on the agenda.

(MePhone and MePad teleport)

Fan: So, push comes to shove, you gotta trust someone. If they're your friend, and they've done a lot for you, even if it doesn't make sense, and you don't agree... at all... you just gotta.

(The seventh and final flashback plays. MePhone rescues MePad and they both leave Meeple HQ.)

Fan: -Cause, maybe, in reality... they're right.

[The End]

(Credits)

(The after-credits scene is of Test Tube and Baseball meeting at her lab entrance. The egg hatches some more, and the episode ends.)

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