KNIFE VS THE FANS/Transcript

Justin Chapman Hello, advice seekers! My name is Justin, and welcome to Inanimate Answers!

Justin throws their wig off, revealing shorter hair underneath.

Justin Chapman Woo! Woohoo! Yeehaw!

Intro Sequence.

Justin Chapman Now, the advice you're about to experience today IS given by animated objects. Please understand that no one here is a professional, and please do not replicate any of what you see here at home. Seriously, you could get really messed up!

Justin makes some whooshing noises.

Justin Chapman Now, the question is: Who is our special guest today? Well, we asked our, uh, audience at home to give us questions that they would like to see answered by our mystery guest. Who shall it be?

Justin Chapman Well, I introduce to you: the non-canon edition of your favourite Inanimate Insanity character. Welcome, Knife!

Knife is placed into a small holder from a glittery pipe cleaner. Meanwhile, the season one intro music plays and Justin adds some percussive vocals behind it.

Justin Chapman Bam! Whew! Welcome, Knife from Inanimate Insanity! How are you doing?

How did I get here?

Justin Chapman Hahaha! Are you ready to give some SHARP answers?

This here is incredibly belittling.

Justin Chapman You sure do be... little-ing!

Justin strikes a pose, followed by Knife looking very mad.

Justin Chapman First Question: Battle Window said, "Dear Secret Advisor, how might one theoretically get one's horde of skeletal werecreatures to cease rending the flesh of those yet mortal? Asking for a friend.

Oh, jeez. This is what this is.

Justin Chapman Oh, you know it.

Can I leave?

Justin Chapman Absolutely not, smiley face!

Justin strikes another pose.

D-uhm... Get something with... immortal flesh, and use it as a distraction... what even is flesh?

Justin Chapman Oh! Uh, this stuff.

Justin pinches their forearm to show Knife.

Ah, I was gonna say that's really gross.

Justin Chapman Thanks. My mommy made it for me!

I hate today...

Justin Chapman Anonymous said: "Dear Secret Advisor, i [sic] have this passion project i wanna work on but i cant get the jumbled mess of ideas outta my head and onto like my computer. any suggestions?"

Justin Chapman Well, now, Anonymous, I can't even begin to tell you the am-amount of times I was trying to get this project off the ground. But I also can tell you, so firstly I was trying to-

You bring me this way to talk about yourself?

Justin Chapman You sure can say that, you little slice-and-dicearoonie.

Look at me. Look at me in the EYES. You call it a "passion project"? Prove it! Put a time in your calendar, right now! B- b- seriously! Right this second, question asker or viewer... whatever the trash you are. An hour. Schedule for a time you think you'll be free, promise yourself you'll exit out of everything else and make that time. You can have the whole rest of the day to yourself. Just... start! That's the hardest part.

Justin Chapman Couldn't say it better myself, knife!

Oh but, you tried!

Justin Chapman Anyway, onward to victory with the next question from... Anonymous.

Justin clears their throat.

Another anonymous asker? Cowards!

Justin Chapman Well- Anonymous said: "Dear Secret Advisor, ok so I have this anxiety problem. Not just in real life though, on the internet too. I hardly ever post anything on [any] social media, and even when on tumblr when I do asks, I physically can't bring myself to turn of [off] anonymous. It really sucks cause there is so much I wanna share with people. Do you know any methods of dealing with anxiety like this so it isn't so bad?

Look, eh... I know I just talked bad about being anonymous but like... It's a good start for sure. If it's the fear of speaking unto your own name, play around, have fun, just don't be a jerk about it. That's my territory. Try expressing yourself as fully...

Justin adjusts their "tie".

...as you can but separately, try to find, like, little ways to put your name out there. There's no rush, but I know people wanna hear you.

Also would it be rude of me to tell them to just... get over it?

Justin Chapman Yes, absolutely.

But- yeah, I- I know that [sic] pulling your chain, start sharing posts one-on-one, grow into a small group, grow into a slightly larger group after that. If the anxiety's bad enough, talk to... someone actually qualified.

Justin Chapman Of course! We're just having a... clean cut time here!

Justin winks.

How is that (?) apply to what I said?

Justin Chapman Next question-

Just for the pun?

Justin Chapman Sugar cone said: "Dear Secret Advisor, do you like your job?"

(stammer) what, this one? Th- of course not! Yeah- yep- yeah, who wouldn't want the pressure of needing to know everything for every foolish question asker thinking that I could add anything to their lives. There are no right answers! Just... take (?) and... live however you want! Jeez! Next question.

Justin Chapman Wanna talk about it-

NO!

Justin Chapman (Tesky questy)(?)

Justin Chapman Anonymous said: "Dear Secret Advisor, how do people manage to be so confident? I'm always having issues standing up for my ideas and myself in general."

Easy: realize that nothing matters but your own perspective. The only time other people's opinions matter is when you give it value, so just stop. Knock it off!

Justin Chapman But isn't it good when we take everyone into account?

It's not when it gives you confidence issues.

Justin Chapman I-I I'm just saying, I dunno. I tend to find that the majority of confident people are jerks.

Justin strikes yet another pose.

Hello? Speaking! Don't let the jerks win. They're confident because they don't care. Be better than them by caring about the right things. Like, making your presence known and, and, standing up for whatever you believe in.

Justin Chapman Like Santa Claus.

Yeah, like Santa Claus.

Justin Chapman Anonymous said: "Dear Secret Advisor, Is it Peanut Butter Jelly TIme yet?"

No, and it never will be.

Justin Chapman Aww, but that'd be so cuuute! You'd be able to, like, smoosh your- some jam with face and-

I'll jam your face in if you don't hurry this up! Come on, give me something serious!

Justin Chapman Absolutely [ned?]. Myduckynamedperdo (?) says-

Seriously for the rhyme?

Justin Chapman "Dear Secret Advisor, If you sad 8 legs, would you be considered an arachnid or a monstrosity among human kind?"

You know, I admit I asked for something serious but the cool thing about this is that I could just say whatever I want and... realistically, there's no consequences! It's just easy. My answer is... eggs. Screw you.

Justin Chapman Slices THAT one up. Anonymous said: "Dear Secret Advisor, I told one of my friends that I wanted to marry a fictional character, and now they're inventing interdimensional travel! But I was kinda joking, and what if they invent it and the character doesn' t like me!! This has gotten way too complicated. I need help."

You have interdimensional travel and you're worried about relationships? That's... so lame! Why not go through time and space and do something cool and manly like... I dunno, punch a monster, survive a black hole-

Justin Chapman Interview a knife.

Interview a knife!... That's what this is.

Justin Chapman Mhm.

Congratulations. You're the problem with our society.

Justin Chapman Agreed. Anonymous said: "Dear Secret Advisor, it took me a while just to write this down. I have quite a few problems with internalized whatever they're called. like toxic masculinity, whatever, etc, and it's becoming a problem. im not great with wording these things, but i think the best way to put it is that its starting to make me see things about myself that dont fit into the standards i at one point held for other people. i feel awful for all the things i said to some people and some of what i did. idk what to do."

Ohhh boy, back to the serious junk. Well- I-I get it. I've been there and uh, I'm- I'm there. It's easy to get overwhelmed with looking strong, c-cause we are strong and, yeah, hurting people, yadda yadda... gee, I dunno. I'm not some licensed bozo, I... but, if I was a loser I'd probably say something like, there's nothing wrong with being masculine and, and you shouldn't force yourself to be ashamed of that. But the people around you matter, okay? Get yourself in the pattern of expressing how you feel. In- in little ways. And [in- in?] take the time to let your thoughts and others thoughts flow. It's easy to want to, pent up things like, I know, th- j-just rip into people but I guess we just need to try to put as much effort into ourselves as other guys put into us. We have to WANT to be good.

Huh.

Justin Chapman That feel good?

Maybe.

Justin Chapman It was very cute.

Shut it. When do you have to go through these things?

Justin Chapman I'm actually a perfect human.

So a boring human.

Justin Chapman You know it [ted?]. Anonymous said-

Knife groans.

Justin Chapman "Dear Secret Advisor, may i adopt oj?"

You wanna adopt OJ?

Justin Chapman Er- n-no, the asker.

That's a little weird, why adopt the asker?

Justin Chapman I don't wanna adopt them.

You afraid of commitment?

Justin Chapman No, no, I just-

A lot of parentless kids out there! You can make a real difference.

Justin Chapman I'm busy with my job. I work tirelessly to get this production done! You wouldn't understand!

Uh-huh, this big important production.

Justin Chapman Right!

For an audience that'd much rather see me in competition.

Justin Chapman Wait(?)- what now?

Me, a magical utensil you ask to fix your problems.

Justin Chapman Exactly.

Who is sitting and talking right here next to you, just as real as your grip on reality.

Justin's wig has returned. Knife has vanished.

Justin Chapman I'm glad we're agreeing.

Justin Chapman So, that's all the time we have for today, folks! Please, another round of applause for our special guest, knife-

Justin claps their hands gently and quietly yells out "yay!"

Justin Chapman A slendid boy to end all splendid boys. And please, leave a comment down below or click the link in the description if you have any question you'd like answered next time around. And please, let us know if there are any, ah, contestants you'd like to see up here off in the next show.

Justin Chapman Sh-should we keep knife or shall we cut him out?

Justin laughs.

Justin Chapman I stole that! So long, folks!

Justin starts dancing.

Justin Chapman And don't forget to like and subscribe!

Justin falls off their chair and on to the ground.