Fan: Welcome back to Fan's Fantastic Features!
Fan: We have a perfect episode of FFF today, because we literally have an FFF!
Fan: Yup! we have a Fellow Fiber Friend! Please welcome, Paper!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
Paper: Uh, Hello everyone! I've been wondering what all the rumpus was over here!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Paper: So nice to now be included!
Paper: You know I'm always so busy monitoring the rest of the hotel that I never have a chance-
Pepper: Cut! Cut!
[BUZZER]
Paper: wha?
Pepper: Paper, sweetie, this isn't working, can you take five?
[PAPER SIGHS]
Paper: I had a feeling this would happen.
Fan: Wait, Wait what's going on?
Salt: Oh! Allow us to introduce ourselves!
Salt: We're S&P. As in Standards and Practices!
Test Tube: Standards and Practices?
Fan: But of course!
Fan: You see children, standards and practices are there to teach us what we can and cannot show, due to moral, ethical, or legal reasons.
Fan: Or just because they want to justify their existence I don't know!
Fan: It's essential that every network TV show has an S&P department! That is except for one thing-
Fan: THIS ISN'T A NETWORK TV SHOW!!!
Fan: So what makes you could just-waltz right in here and change my little, indie darling!?
Salt: Um, we're uniquely qualified! We are the only ones here who have standards.
Pepper: And we didn't even need practice! Like, we already are S&P! You know-
Salt: They get it Pepper.
Pepper: Okay...
Salt: So we hired ourselves for the job, that alright?
Fan: No.
Test Tube: Fan, I wouldn't listen to them.
Fan: Test Tube, I already said no, were you listening to me?
Test Tube: I've seen these two seize control of a show! Remember I told you about this?
Fan: That's right! Oh gosh! Is that what could happen to Fan's Fantastic Features?
Pepper: That brings me to our first note of a few. Many.
Pepper: Fan's Fantastic Features? What a mouthful! Ugh! I nearly ran out of breath just trying to say it! It's a safety hazard.
Pepper: Can we boil it down?
Fan: Okay, that's hyperbolic, but rooted in some fairness, did you have another name in mind?
Salt: Well Fan! It's not S&P's place to force our own ideas in there!
Fan: Oh I see. You just, present problems, and don't give solutions. Very helpful.
[SALT LAUGHS]
Salt: Careful Fan! You don't want us to write a note about you! Do you?
[OMINOUS PEN CLICK]
Pepper: Note number 2! Why do you have a camera person and a tripod?
Pepper: You're sending mixed signals to the viewers at home here.
Pepper: I think you need to let one of them go.
Test Tube: What?
Salt: Yeah, like, we'll have to talk to HR. As soon as we find someone with those initials.
Pepper: Wait why does that tripod have three legs? It looks like a weird bug- or-
Salt and Pepper: Crab!
Pepper: I'm gonna throw up!
Salt: Hi-yah!
Salt: Wait, that's it! That's what we're missing!
Cork: Who, me? Cork?
Pepper: And humble too? A star in the making! Get up here Cork!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Fan: Wait I'm sorry, Cork is it?
Cork: That's my name! Don't wear it out-like a cork!
Fan: You seem very nice Cork, but I literally have no idea who you are. I didn't plan any conversation topics for us or anything!
Pepper: Isn't that like, the beauty of it?
Salt: Your vision of the show is to learn how to roll with the punches!
Fan: Ow!
Pepper: And we're here to make that vision a reality!
Fan: You're making my nightmares a reality!
Cork: Fan, if I could interject.
Fan: I mean, I've known you for two seconds-
Cork: Like Test Tube, I've seen a timeline where they can seize control! In fact, I live there!
Cork: But that's a different Salt and Pepper! You can't judge these two from mistakes they didn't make!
Fan: Come to think of it Cork, that's a really fair point.
Salt: Yeah! That really weird freaky other us sounds so different !
Pepper: Can you like, get their numbers?
[PEPPER GASPS]
Pepper: Are their numbers just our numbers?
Fan: Alright S&P! Hit me with another note!
Salt: Okay, so like, the mug on your desk.
Salt: It’s been there, um, for kind of awhile. Can you change it?
[FAN GASPS]
Fan: Absolutely not! That’s my lucky mug!
Fan: Out! Out with you!
[AUDIENCE AWES]
Fan: The mug is a foundational tenant of the series!
Fan: If I give that up, then we might as well change everything!
Pepper: Change everything? If you insist!
[PEPPER CLAPS]
[XYLOPHONE RIFF]
Pepper: There we go!
Fan: Well at least you kept my mug.
Salt: Okay… I took what you said into consideration. I don’t mean to overstep my boundaries.
Salt: I had a friendly about-
[SALT SIGHS]
Salt: I leave for fifteen seconds, and this is what you did?
Fan: Thank you Salt! Alright, let’s get things back-
Salt: No.
[SALT SNAPS]
[XYLOPHONE RIFF]
[SALT HUMS]
Salt: So much better!
Fan: How are you doing this?
Pepper: Don’t worry! We’re almost done with our notes!
Fan: Oh, okay cool.
Salt: This is a major change, but we feel that it’s like, vitally necessary.
Fan: Oh just rip of the bandage, what is it? What’s the note?
[DRUMROLL]
Salt: So, one of the fonts you previously used, we did some tests and while we love the curly calligraphy, it’s a little hard to differentiate the F’s and the T’s, particularly for near-sighted viewers. I don’t want to disrupt your vision, but I think this font was disrupting everyone else’s vision.
Salt: Take your pick and sign off below.
Fan: Oh, oh wow! This- This is really thoughtful actually!
Fan: And to think, without your help this would’ve looked like tan’s tantastic teatures!
Fan: Oh no! Thank you so much S&P!
Cork: Now this is a successful partnership!
Salt: It’s a collaborative medium you know!
Fan: I guess when we all work together, anything’s possible!
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
Pepper: Yes! It worked! He signed the show away Salt! This show is ours!
[SALT AND PEPPER LAUGH EVILY]
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
Cork: But what about this being a collaborative medium?
Salt: It is! Pepper and I collaborated to overthrow him!
Pepper: You said it yourself Fan, we’re in charge of legal concern, and we just gave you one!
Fan: Oh no! I guess I should’ve listened to you after all Test Tube!
Test Tube: You won’t get away with this S&P!
Salt: You should get away! This is our property, so how about you put a cork in it!
Salt: By letting us have Cork, since we want her to stay.
Pepper: Yes, everything with Cork is great.
Salt: Uh-huh! But as for you two, shut up and get OUT!
Cork: Oh! Well, I’m sorry, This is a little awkward!
Fan: All good, you know I wish you every success Cork!
Fan: But it looks like Test Tube and I have no place here anymore, so dear viewers, I’m afraid we must say our goodbyes.
Fan: And wish the best of luck to Salt and Pepper, in continuing on the legacy of Fan’s Fantastic Features! Farewell.
[DOOR SLAM]
[TV STATIC]
Fan: Hey everyone! Welcome to my brand new show, Tan’s Tantastic Teatures!
Fan: That’s right, I have full ownership over this name and any resemblance to a show currently airing or cancelled is purely coincidental!
Fan: Lets get started!
Fan: So I’d like to-
[FAN SIGHS]
Fan: Have a nice, calm chat, with my good friend Paper.
Fan: I’m definitely gonna talk to him now. As you’re about to see.
Fan: So, Paper-
Pepper: And, scene!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Fan: Uh, what just happened?
Salt: That was our last note! We wanted the show to have a little more dramatic tension.
Pepper: Yeah like, more stakes, more punches to roll with, like you wanted!
Fan: Oh! So you don’t actually want to take over the show?
Pepper: OMG! No!
Salt: That was all like, an elaborate bit!
Cork: And I was in on it! Ever since they explained it me ten seconds ago!
Pepper: Besides, we don’t want to have to give ourselves notes!
Salt: That’s like, not the S&P way!
Pepper: We need to infringe on someone else’s pride and joy.
Salt: Yeah! Like, the fun part is going up to them and latching on like, what’s the word…?
Test Tube: A…parasite?
Salt: No! Like a really close friend!
[AUDIENCE AWES]
Fan: Thanks S&P! You really spiced things up!
[DISTANT CHEESY KNEE SLAP]
Fan: Well viewers, looks like this show lives another day after all!
Fan: Tune in next time for more!
[FAN SIPS MUG]
[FAN COUGHS]
Salt: We warned you!
Salt and Pepper: ADAMATION!
Fan: Sorry we didn’t get to do an interview today Paper, I’ll make sure I have you on in the future, and not just cause OJ threatened to kick me out of this room if I don’t!
Fan: Anyway, extra special thank you to
[NAME LIST HERE]
Salt: Hello?
Pepper: Hey, Is this alternate timeline Salt?
Salt: No, it’s just Salt.
Salt: Oh! Wait I get it! This must be other timeline Pepper!
Pepper: I am from another timeline then you yes!
Salt: Wow, it is alluring!
Test Tube: Uh Pepper, that’s just regular Salt.
[PEPPER SHUSHES]
Pepper: Test Tube! I’m on the phone with another world!
Salt: So alternate timeline Pepper, I heard from Test Tube that you punched other me through a black hole.
Salt: But I bet you couldn’t do that to me-me.
Pepper: Oh yes I could! But it wouldn’t be very S&P approved let me tell ya!
[SALT LAUGHS]
Salt: OMG! I can’t wait to tell my Pepper about this!